MC: Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm Edinburgh welcome to two ladies making their debut tonight on the comedy circuit. I think we’re going to be in on the beginning of something huge. But they’d better get a move on as they’re already in their mid nineties. So please put your hands together – here they are – I give you – Betty and Joan!

Tangle of walking frames at the entrance to the stage, as they attempt to get through at the same time. Sounds like stags rutting. Long delay. Eventually they get in and sit down.

Betty: That’s better. What a squeeze it was in the car.

Joan: Well – I told you that there wouldn’t be room to bring Marmaduke.

Betty: Never mind, Joan dear, we’re here now. And I don’t think Brother Martin would have been up to it.

Joan: Surely you’d have managed perfectly well with Brother Martin. It wasn’t far from the car park.

Betty: But his wheels are so small, dear. No, I’m glad Marmaduke came. Good boy.

She pats her walking frame appreciatively.

Joan: What’s your chair like, Betty? This one’s rather low down…

Betty: Mine’s fine, dear. Can you see my bag? Have you got it?

They both hunt high and low, get up and tangle their frames again, find the bag, sit down…

Joan: Oh, that’s better. Not so far down. Where’s your bag now?

Betty: I think you’re sitting on it dear.

Great commotion again.

Joan: Well, I wouldn’t have come if I’d known it was so far, Betty.

Betty: But you slept all the way here in the car, dear.

Joan: I did not! I only wish I could drop off just like that, but I just can’t.

Betty: Don’t those tablets help, dear? Are you sure you take them when you should?

Joan: Which ones? I’ve got so many now. I think they cancel each other out.

Betty: Didn’t the doctor increase the dose of those sleeping pills for you?

Joan: Oh yes, he’s doubled it every week for the last 6 months. But still no good.

Betty: I think you don’t know when you’re asleep, dear. You were snoring so loudly Barry had to stop the car and give you a good nudge.

Joan: Nonsense. I was awake all the time. I distinctly remember going past Oxford. And some mountain.

Betty: You must be thinking of the artificial ski slope at Solihull, dear. We were going past that when Barry nudged you.

MC: (from the wings)Are you ready yet ladies?

Betty: What’s that?

MC: Are you ready to start your act?

Betty: What did he say? I can’t understand a word he’s saying.

Joan: Nor can I. I can’t understand anything anyone says, here.

Betty: It’s the accent, you see, dear. And it’s worse in Glasgow.

MC: Would you like to begin now, please ladies?

Betty: I think he’s talking to us.

Joan: Just pretend you didn’t hear. Now, where’s the crossword?

More commotion while they look for it in their bags etc. Betty finds it.

Betty: Now there are quite a few left to do. What about 8 across. 6 letters beginning with V and ending with T. A flower.

Joan: It’s Violet, isn’t it? We’ve got that one already.

Betty: Well, I know, but I didn’t write it in…

Joan: Why not?

Betty: Well dear, it might be wrong.

Joan: What else could it be?

Betty: I don’t know dear.

Joan: Are you going to write it in then?

Betty: Well, let’s see if we can get 5 down first. “Preserve”. 6 letters. P something C something something E.

Joan: Intriguing…. B something C something E?

Betty: No dear, it’s P something C something something E.

Joan: But that’s 6 letters.

Betty: Yes, 6 letters.

Joan: Beginning with B?

Betty: NO, dear, P. P for Pepper.

Joan: Is it Pepper? That doesn’t mean Treasure.

Betty: Not Treasure, Preserve!

Joan: Preserve is too long. 8 letters. Pepper fits. Put it in.

Betty: That would mean everything else is wrong. I’ll leave it. Now, 12 down. “Coffee shop where you can send emails”. Good heavens! And it’s an anagram of ‘Free baccy’”. 5 and 4.

Joan: Have we got any letters?

Betty: C something B something R and the second word begins with CA.

Joan: I think it must be Cyber café.

Betty: Yes, I thought that, but it can’t be.

Joan: Why not?

Betty: There’s no such thing. It’s not in the dictionary.

Joan: Have you got the dictionary? Let me have a look.

More commotion.

Betty: It’s not there, is it dear? Not under cyber or under café.

Joan: No, it’s not. How old is this dictionary? Looks in front. Do you realise you’ve had this since 1952?

Betty: Ah yes, I got it to help with the Coronation prize puzzle in the Listener. It’s been very good. Now, 12 down. This one’s also 5 and 4. ‘Fashionable scruffiness’. And the first word must be Shabby.

Joan: What have we got for the second?

Betty: something HI something.

Joan: Surely not?!

Betty: What dear?

Joan: I can’t believe that it could be what I’m thinking. Are they allowed to put that sort of word in?

Betty: (Shocked). Oh I see what you mean dear. I’m sure they’re not! Shall we ask the audience?

Joan: Yes, let’s. Fashionable scruffiness. Shabby something HI something.

Voice: Shabby chic!

Betty: Yes I knew that.

Joan: What did they say?

Betty: Shabby chic.

Joan: Shabby chic?

Betty: That’s right dear.

Joan: But if you knew that’s what it was, why did you say they wouldn’t be allowed to put it in?

Betty: Because it’s French, dear. Foreign. But it doesn’t fit with what we’ve got for 7 across. Famous female pop singer, two words, 7 and 6 letters. You said Shirley Bassey.

Joan: That’s right. It was either her or Cilla Black, and she didn’t fit. They were both good. Are you sure you spelled it right?

Betty: Yes dear. And the first word must end in EY. No, it’s no good, dear. It doesn’t fit with Shabby. That would make the second word begin with S, not B.

Joan: But it must be. What else could it be?

Betty: Why don’t we ask Christopher?

Joan: Oh yes. He’ll know where we’ve gone wrong. That man will have a phone.

Betty: Which man?

Joan: That bald one. Why do they have their hair like that?

Betty: Goodness knows dear. It’s all the fashion I expect.

Both: Excuse me?/ Hello?

MC: Yes ladies?

Betty: Could you ring my nephew, please? Christopher. We’ve got the number here…

(commotion and eventually Joan finds it in a notebook.)

MC: (rings) Hello? Is that Christopher? I’ve got your aunt here. (hands phone to Betty).

Betty: Hello? Hello? There’s no-one there, dear.

Joan: You can’t hear it? With your new hearing aid?

Betty: I haven’t got it on dear. I don’t want to get dependent on it.

Joan: Give me the phone. Hello? Christopher. It’s only me. Yes, it’s Mother. Now, can you help us please with the crossword. How do you spell Shirley Bassey? Oh, yes, that’s what we thought. A famous female pop singer, 7 and 6. But it doesn’t fit with the letters we’ve got. Yes, we’ve got a few, but we’re not very happy with some of them. Something something ends in EY, the second word may begin with S…..I can’t be long, Christopher, we’re a long way away, and the man wants his phone back. Say it again? Britney Spears? How do you spell that? B-R-I-T-N-E-Y S-P-E-A-R-S. I’ve never heard of her. What does she sing?…… Uchh! Mbrrrr! She must be dreadful. Well, thank you Christopher. When are you coming to see me? I do hope you’re coming soon. ‘Bye bye then. Thank you. (to Betty) He says Britney Spears. She sounds horrible.

Betty: Yes, I know, dear. Britney Spears.

Joan: You did not know.

Betty: Oh yes, Joan. Elizabeth preached a sermon about her only last month.

Joan: How ridiculous. Father Paul would never have preached a sermon about pop singers. Even though he was very keen on Shirley Bassey.

Betty: Well, that makes 4 down Mustard. Or Custard. It doesn’t matter which. I think that’s it – yes, all finished.

MC: Thank you Betty, thank you Joan, very well done ladies, do take a bow, now give it up for the two lovely ladies everyone….

Applause